Wherein I attempt to write a blog post about depression without the cliched attempts to explain how terrible my life is and how I just can't get a break. I find this hilarious. We'll see how it goes. It may come off rather Bestorbian. So I guess you could say I've been depressed lately. I will spare you all of the typical stories about how terrible everything is. This is probably due to the fact that things aren't really all that bad. I am only 23. I am healthy as an ox. I have a fabulous education. I have a fabulous and growing group of friends who care about me. People tell me there are some things I am good at. I may not necessarily believe them, but it is reassuring to hear. All in all, this would seem to be a recipe for some measure of happiness.
But for the past month or two, I've been getting all glass-is-half-emptyish and focusing way too much on the negative. Tomorrow is my last day of work. Saturday I move back in with my parents. If I don't find something, I could get stuck at home and never wind up in that magical city between the lakes, Madison. I can't afford to move out there without a job. It's very difficult to find a job when you're 1,000 miles away from the city you want to live in. On top of that I've also got stupid personal things I'm investing way too much of my emotional energy into for no good reason.
But I'm starting to lose interest in things I like. I am seriously considering ending my ultimate frisbee-playing days (except for Get Ho of course). I just don't have the talent to be as competitive as I want to be and really don't feel like it's worth it anymore. I can stay active by myself. I don't need frisbee to be in shape. But I loved it for so long it's very strange that it would suddenly lose all of its luster. Even at the beginning of the summer I was happy to be playing again. But over the course of the summer it wore off and I just stopped caring.
The only times I don't really feel this blechness is when I manage to distract myself with video games and TV shows and webcomics and whatnot. While there's nothing wrong with these things, it is not good that I use them to avoid the things I need to be doing. I am not investing enough time into my job search. I am not investing enough time in my music.
All that being said, I'm not sure I'm technically depressed. I am wary of the constant use of depression as an excuse and am very hesitant to use the word depressed to describe myself. Writing these stupid little blog posts is the closest I come to any sort of therapy. My relationship with my parents is such that I just have sort of a wall where I can't let myself discuss the nitty gritty of my feelings, and I feel like this my be getting in the way of possibly getting at some help I may need. On the other hand, I simultaneously hold the paradoxical view that I am not really depressed, just sad and fixated on the negative things in my life and if I can just get my energies focused in the right direction I'll be fine.
I'm not like super end-it-all depressed or anything. And for the overly concerned among you, I'm not really into suicide or hurting myself or anything like that even if I was really really depressed, so don't worry about that kind of stuff.
But hopefully in the next few weeks I can get my head on straight, get my butt in gear and land a job so I can avoid getting stuck in the tar pits back home. I'm sure it will all be fine. It's just a lot coming down the barrel right now. Hopefully I can land like a cat and not like a beer bottle. The world is about to get that much more real. Time to nut up or shut up.
Bitch be cool, Nick
I'm waiting for the time when I can finally say that this has all been wonderful but now I'm on my way.