In which I look inside myself and find it empty and smile for now that I know I am empty it will be the last day I am empty

by Nick Smith in


Let me start off by saying that I am wearing my "Milk Is Thicker Than Water Shirt" that was left in my suitcase at Bestor's house for all of the spring and most of the summer, and all of the marker has gotten all splotchy.  Also, when I pulled this shirt out of the bag, I saw strange writing next to the word "water" and I for the life of me could not figure out what the fuck it was.  Then I remembered.  Tycho signed this goddamned shirt at PAX East.  Just thought I'd share that little nugget with you before I got started.  Because fucking Tycho signed my shirt.  And I forgot for 4 solid motherfucking months.  This amuses me. My personal issues that I was having are finally beginning to resolve themselves, albeit not in the direction I had hoped.  But fuck hope.  Hope has a time and a place.  Neither of which are in my life and right now.  Hope is a reliance on the actions of others or the whims of fate.  I have been hoping for the best my entire life.  I have not done a single thing that was not easy.  I have always had help.  I have always had backup.  There has always been a net.  It is time to stand up and do.

I have stayed on the path of least resistance my entire life.  Go to school.  Go to college.  Get a job.  Have a family.  Buy a house.  Die old and boring.  I've walked halfway down that road and it looks terrible.  I can't find anything resembling my identity further down that road.  Now is the time to take a turn.  The only thing I have standing in my way is affordability.  And I have decided that I will make it work however hard it is.  I'm not sure what I'm going to do.  I need to break out of the world I have lived in for the last 23 years.  This may involve moving somewhere and working shit jobs just to scrape by.  This may involve going on a long roadtrip this fall and visiting everyone (seriously.  Everyone.  If you live in America and you are reading this I want to visit you) and doing a great deal of writing and growing.  I just need something new.  I don't really know who I am yet.  I intend to find out.

When a person knows exactly who they are and embraces it, it is a magnificent thing.  There is such a storm of energy inside of me that I know when I figure out exactly who I am, I am going to KICK ASS.  Unfortunately I haven't really figured that out yet, so I have yet to do the majority of my asskicking.  Those of you who were going to comment, "You kick ass already!" I thank you, but seriously, I'm not there yet.  Wait for it.  It's gonna be really cool.

Jesus God "I'd Do Anything For Love" just came on.  That is fucked up.  Anyway, I feel like my calling is probably somewhere involving writing, be that songwriting, blogging or some other journalism, or standup comedy.  Not sure, but I'm gonna work on all 3 of those.  There is a certain thing I get from performing in front of people that is comparable to nothing else in my experience.

I've just got to break free and I feel like whatever I am will turn up somewhere along the hard path.

You're all 1s, Nick

There's gonna come a day when you'll feel better.  You'll rise up free and easy on that day.  Float from branch to branch lighter than the air.  Just when that day is coming, who can say, who can say?